


My Mother and My Father

by Guessimaclotpole



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Canon Era, Gen, Kid Merlin, Loss of Parent(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 13:11:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17488652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Guessimaclotpole/pseuds/Guessimaclotpole
Summary: During the peak of Yule, Balinor is struck deep by hurtful words, and must make a decision no parent or husband should have to make.





	My Mother and My Father

Merlin couldn’t remember ever celebrating Yule. He understood that he’d been too young to properly understand, but he was five now, and he was very excited. His Mummy had told him all about the celebration of family and friends, and how everyone in Ealdor would gather around a huge fire and exchange foods, laughter and kind words.

Merlin was a big boy now and he knew that Ealdor was a poor village. He knew that the Mercian King was not kind enough to share his riches, but he also knew that so long as he, his Mummy and his Papa were together, they’d be happy.

Today was the day before the Yule celebrations and Merlin was helping Mummy decorate their home. He didn’t know how, but Mary, the seamstress from one of the neighbouring villages, had managed to get loads of brightly coloured cuts of material and huge balls of string. So Merlin and his Mummy draped the string around their home, tying small strips of colourful fabric so that it hung down and brushed his Mummy’s hair as she walked.

Just as Merlin reached around to drape some green string over the wall, he caught his finger on a splinter of wood.

“Ow!” he cried, immediately dropping the string and grasping his throbbing finger. His eyes burned with unshed tears and his Mummy gasped when door swung open.

“Merlin!” she panicked, rushing to his side and grasping his wrists. “Merlin, you must be careful, if anyone sees-”

“I know, I couldn’t help it I’m sorry!” he whimpered, straining his eyes. He was a big boy now, and big boys don’t cry. He looked down at his mother who had dropped to her knees in front of him. She eyed him with deep concern, before brushing a thumb lightly across his cheek.

“Give me a look, sweetheart.”

Merlin shook his head and pulled his hand back, out of her reach. No, Mummy always hurt too much with splinters. 

“I want Papa to.” Merlin mumbled, and his Mummy sighed, her big blue eyes glistening in the light of the setting sun. “Please?”

Mummy nodded her head, and sat Merlin on the edge of her bed. “He’ll be home soon, darling.” she said, before turning away to brew Merlin some of their special tea.

 

-/-

 

“Where’s my bonny boy?” Balinor roared cheerfully as he stepped over the threshold. He barely had a seconds notice before Merlin bounded into his open arms.

“Papa!” Merlin could feel his cheeks hurting from his smile, but it was the best kind of hurt. “I missed you, Papa!” 

Balinor patted Merlin on the back of the head and crouched down in front of his son. “Now listen here, I was only gone for a few hours! Even so, though, I missed you more.” he whispered, and then he pushed forward on his knees to kiss Merlin’s forehead.

“Daddy, I got a splinter again.” Merlin said, brandishing the pad of his finger in front of him. Balinor took his wrist in hand and examined the finger carefully before his face gave way to a gentle smile.

“Well then, Merlin, what do we need?” Balinor asked, his eyes sparkling with excitement behind stray strands of hair.

“We need water to clean it, and a doc leaf to wrap it!” Merlin exclaimed, before turning to smile at his Mummy. 

He didn’t miss the way she eyed them with concern, but he thought nothing of it as he took his Papa’s hand and they walked to the well.

“Merlin?” his Papa asked cautiously once they were out of sight of their home.

“I know, Papa. I mustn’t tell anyone.” Merlin sighed. It was hard having magic when it wasn’t allowed. But Papa appreciated it more than Mummy did. They both tried to pretend they knew nothing of magic when they were out and about, and Mummy even pretended when they were at home. But Papa, when he was alone with Merlin, always helped him to learn.

“Right, here we are,” Balinor said as he took the pail of water in his hands and soaked one of the doc leaved he’d picked on his way. “Okay, Merlin, so we need you to focus fully on he splinter and the pain it is causing. Do you remember the word from last time?”

Merlin nodded and waited as Balinor wrung the doc leave over his fingertip, allowing the transparent, green liquid to tinge his skin. Then, when he felt the sting of the liquid around the splinter, he raised his other hand and glared at the wooden intruder. He focused with all of his might and felt heat rising behind his eyes.

“ **_Auxilium”_ ** rasped Merlin, and the wooden splinter slowly withdrew, landing amongst the dirt beneath their feet.

Then, as a fresh leaf was wrapped around his finger, Merlin looked up to see a huge grin on his Papa’s face.

“I did it better this time, Papa!” Merlin exclaimed, and Balinor nodded gleefully.

“You did indeed, son. It can’t be done better than that. Now come on, let’s head home and finish decorating, yeah?”

 

-/-

 

When they got home, Merlin was asked by his red-faced mother to go outside. He hadn’t understood what he’d done wrong, but he hadn’t seen his Mummy so angry before, not ever.

It was quiet at first, but as he leant down to pull up some weeds, he heard the shouting begin.

“You let him do that  _ himself,  _ Balinor! Two years you have been teaching him and under my nose! Do you  _ want  _ to see your own son killed? Do you-”

“You have no idea what it’s like for him! If he suppresses his magic it will begin to crush him from the inside! Magic is not given to then be caged off! This is a safe alternative, I can teach him and no one will find out, no one!” he heard Papa reasoning.

“You do  _ not  _ understand! I have seen what people do to sorcerers! I have seen the life leave the bodies of these people! I will not lose my only son!” Mummy sounded desperate, but her anger took over as she screeched at Papa.

“ _ Our _ son. Merlin is not a sorcerer, Hunith. He is made up of magic, and magic is made up of him. That is not sorcery, it is nature! You need to understand that this is who he is, and it is who I am. I will  _ not  _ sit back and watch as his magic grows dark inside of him!” Balinor raged, and Merlin wrapped his own arms around himself as he sat back against the wall of his house.

“You’re using this as an excuse to use your magic, do not think I do not see that!” 

“Did you see me using any magic? I have fought against my own magic the whole time we have been together, Hunith, but my magic is not like Merlin’s. His is stronger, wilder. It needs to be practiced and tamed.” Merlin could hear his Papa fighting to stay calm. “I can not stop him from-”

“NO!” Hunith yelled, and then there was a moment of silence. Merlin held his breath. “No. If you want to be free to use your magic, then go. I will not have you putting my only child at risk. Do your magic elsewhere, Balinor.”

The door the the house swung open and Merlin watched as his Papa stormed down the pathway and towards the village. He wiped the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes and continued pulling at the weed roots. They hadn’t argued before. Not like that.

 

-/-

 

When Merlin heard movement from the floor, he awoke to find his Father pacing around their home. Merlin watched his Papa’s silhouette from where he lay in his Mummy’s arms.

Papa filled up a little sack with things that Merlin couldn’t see, and then as Papa headed for the door, Merlin felt his eyes burn, the magic not in his control.

His Papa pulled the door but it didn’t open. Merlin watched his shoulders sag as he let out a long exhale.

“Merlin.” he whispered, not turning around to face his son.

Merlin carefully slid out of his Mummy’s arms, taking extra care not to wake her. He hadn’t understood why Mummy and Papa had been arguing, but he didn’t want to make anyone feel any worse.

“Where are you going, Papa?” Merlin asked, tugging at the sheet wrapped around his Papa’s shoulders.

Papa didn’t make eye contact with him, instead his eyes remained fixed on the door. “I need you to be a really big boy for me Merlin, can you do that?”

Merlin nodded, an unwelcome lump beginning to rise in his throat, though he knew not why.

“Listen to me, Merlin. You and your mother are my entire life. I know that I will not be able to bare not being around you both, but nor can I stay.”

Before Merlin could react, Papa had dropped to the floor beside him, taking Merlin’s shoulders in his eyes and fixing him with a tearful gaze.

“You mean too much to me, Merlin, but I can not control who I am. If I were to be caught, or worse, if they figured out who you’d become… Merlin, I can’t risk your Mother losing you. She knows in her heart that I love you both, and I hope that one day you will both understand why this must be.”

Merlin’s head was swimming with confusion. His Papa was definitely leaving, but where would he go? What did he mean, who Merlin would become? “Papa, what-”

“Merlin, I love you so very, very much. I hope we might meet again one day, but should we not,” Merlin watched as his Papa shook off the red sheet from his shoulders, the colour just-visible in the glow of the moon, before he tore a large square of the fabric. “Should we not meet again, Merlin, know that you will always have my heart,” he folded the torn fabric and tied it around Merlin’s neck before leaning forward and kissing Merlin’s head. “And there won’t be a fraction of a second that passes where I don’t think about you or your Mother.” 

Merlin had done so well holding in his tears all day, but now they fell fresh down his cheeks, his eyes itching with the feeling. His Papa rummaged in his bag and handed Merlin a vial.

“You must drink this when I ask, Merlin. Don’t ask what it is, just trust me, and promise that you will drink it when I say so.”

Merlin took the glass tube before lunging forward into his Papa’s embrace. There were no words, only shared tears and silent sobs.

“Gods, I love you Merlin.” Papa cried into Merlin’s hair, and then he rose to his feet. “The door, please, Merlin.”

“No, I don’t want you to go.” Merlin sobbed, grasping the bottom of his Papa’s coat. “Please, Papa, don’t go. Please, please, please-”

“ _ Merlin,  _ the door.” Papa repeated, the quiver in his voice betraying his emotion. Merlin shook his head and forced his face into Papa’s side, inhaling his smell and coughing at the raw swelling in his throat, brought on by hysterical sadness.

“Merlin felt his eyes burn as his own magic was overpowered, and the door gently clicked open, the sound barely audible over the pulsing of blood in Merlin’s head.

“Happy Yule Merlin, now go and drink that up once I have gone.” Papa said, deadpan, and Merlin watched him walk and walk, until his silhouette disappeared into the darkness of the outlying trees without so much as a backward glance at his abandoned family.

Distraught, Merlin clambered back into bed, struggling to keep himself under control. He pulled the material of his new scarf up over his nose and inhaled, catching the faint smell of wood, earth and magic, and with a nod of assurance, he placed to vial to his mouth.

 

-/-

 

Merlin awoke to a spell of dizzying light gleaming through his eyelids. He stretched his arms in front of him and smiled big and wide with the knowledge that Yule had finally arrived.

He slipped out of his Mummy’s arms and looked down at her sleeping form. Papa had been kind to let Merlin sleep in the bed with Mummy.

Merlin looked around for his Daddy, but assumed he must be out assisting with some of the village jobs. Anyway, Merlin was a big boy now, and he could make the food himself. Something itched vaguely at the back of his mind, like he’d forgotten something, but he pushed the thought aside.

He headed around to the foodstore and used the coins he had secretly kept hidden all year to buy half a bread and small cut of cooked pork; and when he came back, he made up a tray with two portions of the food. One for Mummy, one for Papa.

“Oh, Merlin, what a lovely surprise… how did- oh, tell me you didn’t use you mag-”

Merlin held up a hand, silencing his Mother with a smile and a little giggle, though the panic in her expression still remained.

“No Mummy, I hid all my coins. While you and Papa were away, the King of Camelot came here!”

His Mummy’s face wrinkled with confusion. “Yes, I know, Merlin. When you were staying with your Grandmother Eirene, she told me. I don’t see how that’s relevant, sweetheart.” Hunith said kindly, brushing her fingers across his cheek.

“Well, I might have asked Grammy Eirene to keep a secret.” Merlin whispered, excitement bubbling inside of him.

“What kind of secret, Merlin? You didn’t-”

“She doesn’t know about my magic, Mummy, no. Actually, when you were away, the King brought his son Arthur with him, and we played on the fields together. He said I was fun to play with but that I had big ears, but then I said he had wonky teeth so we decided to be friends! And then when his Daddy shouted for him, we said bye and the king said he’d forgotten something! And then, Mummy, he jumped down off his horse and gave me some coins for being so nice to the Prince! And-”

“Woah, Merlin, slow down. You told the Prince of Camelot his teeth were wonky? Merlin you can’t just say that about people!” Hunith scolded but the humor in her tone was unmissable. 

“Well, he said I had big ears! Anyway, I kept the coins so I could buy you and Papa some… Mummy, where  _ is _ Papa?”

 

-/-

 

That afternoon, Merlin’s good deed was forgotten about. He and his Mummy ate the two portions meat and bread, while he sympathetically rubbed her shoulder while she tried to stifle her tears. There had been a letter, and when Mummy read it she had screamed and cried and cried and cried. Merlin didn’t understand and he wasn’t allowed to read the letter, but Tom the baker took him aside whilst Mummy went to visit somebody.

It was Yule day, the first Yule Merlin had ever understood and been excited for. But now, it would be the Yule where his Daddy ran away while they slept, without so much as a goodbye.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was just something I started writing a while back and I left it. Then I came back, fixed it and finished it.  
> I like to imagine that in an AU somewhere, Merlin would have had a chance with his Dad.
> 
> Again to Caledonia, you are my angel and I love you eternally for all you do for me, and putting up will all of this angst I put you through.


End file.
